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September 9, 2009

Sharing Financial Statements… Sort Of!

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, dating, Inspiration, Money, Relationships, Women | Tags: , |
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I sent him my blog the moment it was posted… the one about  sharing our financial statements before he moves in.  I made him read it while still on the phone.  I was nervous for his reaction.  After all, I was  putting him, and our relationship,  in the (kind of) public eye.  His response was typical of a man with high self esteem.

“This is great,” he said and meant it.

“So,“ I said taking a deep breath, “Do you want to have The Talk?”

“Sure,” he replied without hesitation. “Let’s do it this weekend.”

Two weekends later, we still haven’t “Talked.”  My Man and I are extremely close.  We discuss everything, unabashedly.  Yet when it comes to money, we keep tip-toeing around the topic.

What we’ve done is have a tepid conversation sprinkled with some tiny revelations.  I threw out a vague number about how much I’m worth.  He did the same.  I mentioned something about diversifying my assets, but being heavy in cash.  He, in turn, shared his disciplined approach to making retirement contributions.   He even said he’s looking forward to seeing how I’ve invested.  But we’ve both been reluctant to reveal specifics.  I consider the conversation we had a good starter step.  But why haven’t we ‘gone all the way?’

Truthfully,  I’m mystified by my avoidance.  All I have to do is take my latest financial statement out of the folder, hand it to him, and say “Here it is.  Let’s talk,” and there’s no doubt in my mind, he’d do the same, in a heartbeat.  But I haven’t.

Reminds me of the letter to Ann Landers from a woman who wanted to ask her boyfriend to help pay for her birth control, but didn’t feel she knew him well enough to ask!

I laughed when I first read that.  Sure, it’s scary for most people  to talk money.  But I never put myself in that category!!!  I mean,  for the last 12 years I’ve been writing about money, consistently telling women:  “It’s our secrecy and silence that keeps us stuck.”

Now, here I am, doing the secrecy-and-silence-thing… and I’m truly shocked. Is it because he’s so resistant?  Or is that my projection?  Does our mutual reluctance come from our disparity in income?  Or is there a lot of old baggage weighing each of us down?

I think it’s time to walk my talk!  Stay tuned.  As always, your insight and advice is welcomed.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
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www.barbarastanny.com

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September 3, 2009

The Continuing Saga of Sharing Financial Statements – Part I

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, dating, Money, Relationships, wealth, Women | Tags: , , |
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It’s been several weeks since I asked for advice on the ‘right’ time to  share financial statements with my boyfriend.  Well you gave it to me!!  And as a result, I had three big “Aha’s.”

  • 1st Aha:  Clearly this subject touched a nerve.  I was astounded by how many of you responded— by email, on my site,  and in Facebook.
  • 2nd Aha:  I’m still amazed at my reticence.  I  sent my boyfriend the blog, which stimulated an interesting discussion… but we have yet to “go all the way” (by sharing our statements).
  • 3rd Aha:  I’m noticing how easy (and apropos) it is to use sexual metaphors when describing money discussions between couples.   Hmmmmm… perhaps the subject for another blog?

As for your responses…

First, deep thanks to all who replied!! It was beyond fabulous to realize how many of you could relate to my dilemma.

What I found most fascinating, however, was the vast range of comments. They were all across the board— from one extreme; (“Say nothing!” and “It’s not his concern”), to the other; (“Never hold back anything” and “If you can’t come from a place of profound honesty, you’re not ready to make the commitment”).   Several of you suggested drawing up an agreement with our respective lawyers, kind of like a prenuptial for live-ins.  And quite a few of you remarked that the conversation about sharing expenses was far more important than sharing financial statements.

Without a doubt, the overwhelming majority were in the “full disclosure” camp, warning me that intimacy requires openness.

My favorite came from author Manisha Thakor, whose new book (due out this December) is aptly titled: Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money with Your Honey. You gotta’ love that title!!!  And it’s hard to argue with her premise.

“If you’re willing to take your clothes off together one way,” Manisha wrote, “you should be prepared to take them off financially speaking as well.”  (This gives a lot of credence to my 3rd aha!)

Her advice:  “Go for it.  Do the thing that these days is even more intimate than sex — talk about money together.  Get the pink elephant of money out into the center of the room and demystify it.  Otherwise, like termites eating away at the foundation of your relationship, little nagging doubts or questions about each others finances could end up destroying what is currently a beautiful home life.”

I agree with every word she says.  Yet, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t open up and spill the whole can of beans to my boyfriend.   Nor could he.  But we did take a few baby steps… and I’ll share some of them with you in my next post.

Maybe, by then, I’ll figure out why neither of us were willing to “go all the way” yet.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com

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August 31, 2009

Putting Some FUN Into Finances! Part II

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Book, Career, Empower, Inspiration, Money, Savings, Support, Women | Tags: , |
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Join me in the inspiring tale of a woman (I’ll call her Jane) who discovered the stunning power of women joining with other women to take their financial lives higher.

I’ve never met Jane.  But recently, she emailed me to say a good friend started an Overcoming Underearning® Book Club, and she became a member.  Five women meet monthly, at 7:30am for “OU Power Breakfasts.” The group reads one financial book a month.  I am proud to report the first was mine — Overcoming Underearning®.  Next was On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl’s Guide to Personal Finance by Manisha Thakor and Sharon Kedar.

Here’s how the club works:  “We have assignments for our breakfasts, like writing our Contracts with Ourselves and our Wish Lists to share with the group.  We also share our successes in the group in person and via email.  We often include some variation of  “underearning is no longer an option!”  in emails!

“I feel AMAZING afterwards.  It gives me such a boost throughout the day, knowing that I had done something really great for myself and spent time with supportive, uplifting, inspiring friends before going to work.”
But the group gave Jane more than good feelings.  It gave her guts.

“I have a job where I’ve done several extra assignments over the past few years,” she explained, “but have never gotten paid extra for them. I was initially told there was no extra compensation for them and I never asked again.  I was happy for the exposure.”

After she turned in her latest extra assignment, however, her supervisor asked Jane to do more revisions.  The request followed her first book club.  Bolstered by the Power Breakfast, she refused to do more because she wasn’t getting compensated.

Guess what happened?

“My supervisor then said, ‘We can compensate you!’ and within a week all the email approvals had been done to process me getting paid.”

Like most people, she had just assumed a bad economy precluded any extra pay.

“In this climate of cost-cutting I initially did not think that this was going to be possible, but once I verbalized it I realized how much work I had done and that I deserved to get paid, and felt confident that I would. This was a turning point for me in terms of now getting compensated separately for the extra work I do within my company, outside of the responsibilities of my job.”

But the story doesn’t end there.  Her credit card debt, once $10,000,  “is now under $1,000 and I am very close to paying it off altogether, and when I do I’m going to have a party – I will invite you and if you’re in New York I would love to have you there!”

I’d love to come. There’s nothing more inspiring than being around women empowering other women.  If you’ve had any successes with similar groups, I’d love to hear about them!!!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com

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August 24, 2009

Is It Time To Share Financial Statements?

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, dating, Money, Relationships, wealth, Women | Tags: , , , |
[20] Comments 

I feel like I’m entering new territory here.  I’m usually the one answering your questions.  But now, I really need YOUR advice.  I sincerely mean that.  I’ve got a dilemma… and I’m not sure what to do, if anything.

As I vowed last month (http://barbarastannyblog.com/2009/07/17/the-retreat-to-), I am using this blog to be more authentic, especially around money.  So here I am… revealing myself and requesting your help.

Here’s the situation.  I’ve been dating My Man for a year and a half.  We’re talking about moving in together.   He’s definitely the love of my life, the person I want to grow old with, perfect for me in so many ways.  We don’t want to get married.  I’ve already done that twice (he, once), and we see no reason to do it again.

Here’s where I’m struggling.  At what point do I have “THE TALK” with my  boyfriend? Or do I even need to?

I’m referring to The Money Talk.  You know, that point where I show him mine and he shows me his… networth, that is.

My income is decidedly more than his… which makes sense since he was laid off earlier this year and is starting a whole new career.  While he’s never been a good saver, he’s a very frugal spender and quite responsible financially, with no credit card debt.  Neither one of us have a problem with the fact that I have more money.  But neither of us knows how much the other one has.

If we were getting married, it’d be a no-brainer.  We’d be baring our bank statements before we ever traded “I-Do’s. ”  But does co-habitating, when there’s no co-mingling of money, require the same financial transparency?  I figure, if I’m wrestling with this, others must be also.

Talk to me people… this is a tough one for me.  I need your feedback!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com

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July 28, 2009

Looking For Signs

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Empower, Inspiration, Women | Tags: , |
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I am always on the look out  for signs.  It’s a game I play.  And I take every sign very seriously.

My children often tease me.   ”Sometimes, Mom, a cigar is just a cigar.”  Not in my world!

Yesterday I got two huge signs.  I wanted to know if I was on the right track.  And I got confirmation.  In neon.

First, came a call from a well-known financial website seeking my involvement.  That would’ve been enough confirmation to convince me I’m on target.

But  then… are you ready for this?… a major Hollywood production company called ME!  They were interested in creating a TV show based on my book;  Prince Charming Isn’t Coming.  You could’ve knocked me over with a feather!

Look, I know, the chances of anything coming out of either opportunity is slim.  As my seasoned agent reminded me about TV-land: “generally, these type of requests go nowhere.”

And you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  I really mean that.  These two signs have shown  me something very profound — there’s tremendous value  in  Surrender, in taking time out for going within.   In our “doing” world,  Surrender is a pejorative term.  When, in truth, surrender is an extremely practical, highly beneficial success strategy.

Those two calls yesterday felt like the Universe was giving me a big high-five, congratulating me for taking time out and assuring me great stuff was on the way!

I’d love to hear from any of you who have benefitted (or not) from taking a retreat.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com

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July 27, 2009

Getting Out Of Your Own Way

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Empower, Inspiration, Women | Tags: , |
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Greatness takes guts.  No doubt about it.  Sure,  Shakespeare implored us: “Don’t be afraid of Greatness.”  But here I was, on Day 3 of my retreat, seriously scared.  From the moment I woke up,  fear began to wrap around me like a second skin,  seeping into my pores,  coursing through my veins,   constricting my chest with its vise-like grip.

Why was I so afraid, I wondered?  I spent the last two days delightfully splashing around in this new Call to Greatness.  Now,  suddenly,  I wake up drowning in fear.

In  a split second,  it made perfect sense.

The Call to Greatness meant I was being summoned to a higher level.  I had grown very comfortable teaching women how to make more money and manage it wisely.  I had the ‘overcoming’ stuff down pat.  But going to the next level of  ‘becoming’  (whatever that means!!!)  was brand new territory.

I suspected what that meant for me personally – I  had to come out of the closet,  revealing and owning my value,  my brilliance,  my power,  my exceptional wisdom and my unique talents.

The instant I wrote that last sentence,  my tummy did a belly flop.  Is everyone going to think I’m arrogant (a big fear of mine!)?  Or even worse,  will the world think I’m really just faking it?  My brilliance is BS, my talents are,  well… ordinary?

Somewhere during the day,  I made a decision.  This is a risk I’m willing to take.  I’m going for Greatness,  and taking every woman I possibly can with me.  I  am convinced the world desperately needs women to step up to the plate and into their power,  to own their Greatness in the grandest way.

Just as I write this,  the damndest  thing happened.  I get an email from my friend Suzy.  “I read this and thought of you,”  she said,  sending me a quote from Marianne Williamson.  The synchronicity was inescapable!!!

“It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves,

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”

Actually, who are you not to be?

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

There’s no doubt in my mind – this a sign and a message,  not just to me,  but to everyone reading this blog!!!

Speaking of signs,  be sure to read my next blog.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money

barbara@barbarastanny.com

www.barbarastanny.com

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July 24, 2009

The Guide To Greatness

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Empower, Inspiration, Women | Tags: , , , |
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Day 2 of my retreat had me curled up on the cozy window seat, staring at the water, pondering what Greatness actually means.  This was not something I’d given a lot of thought to in the past.

Still, I figured I should know.  My  father had achieved Greatness.  Not because he co-founded a famous company.  But because he made it possible for large numbers of people to get quality tax preparation for a fraction of the price.  I grew up with Greatness.  I saw it every day, living, breathing, expanding, succeeding.  As  I started reviewing what my father  showed me, I came up with a formula for Achieving Greatness:

1.       Greatness refuses to be limited or controlled in any way by fear.  (Fear is to greatness what ants are to a picnic… annoying, inevitable, and best ignored)

2.       Greatness follows ideas that come from seemingly nowhere.

3.       Greatness doesn’t act alone. It has partners, collaborators, a team.

4.       Greatness is humble, not to be confused with Grandiosity.  Grandiosity comes from the ego and is; as A Course in Miracles tells us, “always a cover for despair.”  Greatness is sourced from the soul and is always a desire to do what it came to earth to do.

5.       Greatness sees the world as it’s playground and every problem as part of The Game… a lawsuit is no more serious that misplacing a stapler.

6.       Greatness takes its mission (not itself) very seriously, and always puts that mission first.

7.       Greatness truly enjoys Greatness, not just for itself, but for its positive effect on others.

8.       Greatness is not out  for money or fame.  Fame may occur or not — it’s totally irrelevant.  But money is mandatory…  sufficient income is necessary to eliminate any distractions for achieving its goals.

9.       Greatness isn’t perfect, and is more than willing not to be.  Greatness feeds on self trust (the definition to self-trust:  knowing you can clean up what you mess up!).

10.   When pain enters Greatness, it’s meant to be a wake-up call.

11.   Greatness is kind, but tough, and politely endures criticism.  While Greatness doesn’t need be liked, it demands to be respected.

12.   The Arc of Greatness involves many mistakes, failures, wrong turns… they are the steppingstones to  Greatness.

13.   Greatness is passion made manifest.  The biggest pitfall to Greatness – doing what you should vs. what you love.

14.   Greatness requires responsibility, rejects mediocrity, and resides in the unknown.

15.   When Greatness dies, it doesn’t go away. Greatness always leaves  behind witnesses.

Woody Allen had it right when he said: “The only thing standing between Greatness and me, is me.”

Coming next: Getting out of the way of Greatness.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com
360.385.0600

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July 22, 2009

The Call to Greatness… Have you heard it yet?

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Empower, Inspiration, Women | Tags: , , , |
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By mid morning of Day #1 of my retreat, I’d identified the culprit, why I was blah.  For 3 years, I’ve been futilely chasing a financial goal.  And I wasn’t shy about telling anyone who would listen.  If you’ve heard me speak, you’ve  heard me say;  “My goal is to make millions, help millions, give millions“.

Lofty, I know.  But I’ve always prided myself on setting lofty goals and usually achieving them.  I often brag that I, a life-long underearner, began making six-figures before I even finished writing my book, “Secrets of Six-Figure Women”.  So, it seemed like a no-brainer – I’d write my next book about women making millions.  Now, 2 years, 20 interviews, and a string of rejections later, the book’s unwritten, my goal unmet.

I felt frustrated, powerless, and embarrassed.  Here I was helping women make more money… and I was nowhere near my 7-figure goal.  Even worse, I hadn’t a clue why or what to do about it.

Until that morning… when  3 words struck me like a lightning bolt; “Go for Greatness“.  Those words came from somewhere very deep, from something very wise.  I grabbed my journal, starting writing.

“Isn’t that what I really want – greatness?  I’ve been so focused on achieving fame and fortune, making-millions-helping-millions, but those were goals from my ego.  My soul has been begging for something very different.  It wanted greatness.”

It just never occurred to me, until then, that there was a distinction.  Now, I wondered, what is the difference between greatness and fame?  The answer came quickly.

“Fame is the quest for external  validation to fill an internal void.  Seeking fame is like living on credit… a pretense, an illusion to hide lack and deprivation.

Greatness, on the other hand, is the pursuit of a meaningful, authentic life for your own bliss and the benefit of others.”

It was a Eureka! moment.

Yes, that’s what I crave.  It’s not millions.  It’s not fame.  It’s Greatness!  I’d been seeking fame and fortune to justify my worth.  But what I genuinely craved were opportunities  to fulfill my purpose, live my truth, and make a difference in the world.  I still wanted to make more money.  But the game had changed… and so had the rules. Yet until that moment, I never even realized it.

I had made a discovery some time back, never applying it to me.  I saw that once a woman becomes financially secure and stable, she is no longer motivated by money.   Once she has a profit motive firmly intact,  financial success turns into a spiritual journey.  This  new journey is no longer fueled by increased earnings (though that may be a desired outcome).  It is fueled by a  search for significance, a deep desire to make one’s mark on the world.

That’s what had happened to me, and I didn’t even realize it.  Making millions seemed the obvious next step.  It felt impressive — it certainly was feeding my ego.  What I didn’t realize — my soul was starving.   Once I shifted my focus, the blahs vanished, my energy returned.  I could almost hear my soul sigh in relief.

I had received the Call to Greatness.  And I am convinced, without a shadow of a doubt, women all over the world are receiving the same call.  Perhaps, you’re one of them.  Perhaps, like me, you don’t quite understand what’s going on.

Let me explain what you may be experiencing.  Symptoms of the Call for Greatness include:  restlessness, feeling stuck, anxiety, yearning,  frustration, or, like me, the ‘blahs’.  These symptoms are indicator lights, sending a message;  You’re ready to move into the New Game of Money.  This new game is called Going for Greatness.  The point is no longer overcoming anything. You’ve already done that.  It’s now about becoming all you can be.

In my next blog, I’ll say more about Greatness in much greater depth.  Stay tuned!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
barbara@barbarastanny.com
www.barbarastanny.com

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January 16, 2009

Women In Power – Best Kept Secret

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Career, Empower, Feminism, Inspiration, Relationships, Women | Tags: , , |
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HandsI want to share with you one of the best kept secrets in the world of women and power. It’s called Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I had no idea what Mama Gena’s was all about until Regena Thomashauer (aka Mama Gena) asked me to speak earlier this year.  When I walked into the room, the energy was so high and the women I met so extraordinary, I knew I had to check it out. So I signed up for Mastery.

The course explores power in ways that will deeply transform your relationship with yourself as a woman along with your ability to create your dreams and desires. What it did for me was help me identify and overcome barriers that have kept me from living my life to the fullest.

Regena’s work is truly cutting edge. I’d love you to check it out at  http://www.mamagenas.com, or contact me with any questions.  A new Mastery is starting soon…I’d love to see you there!

 

August 19, 2008

Help, I Think I’m A Compulsive Shopper!

Posted by barbarastanny under Barbara Stanny, Career, Empower, Inspiration, Money, Savings, Support, Women | Tags: , , |
[2] Comments 

It’s the finale…the last installment of popular questions. I hope they’ve been helpful. And if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask. I’d love to hear from you! So here we go:

Road to financial empowerment for women

1. I’m getting married next year. Should my fiancé and I keep separate accounts or have one joint account?
It’s fine to have a joint account for bill paying, etc, but be sure you have one for yourself too. Every woman needs an account in her own name.

2. How can I stop being such a compulsive shopper?
As my mentor, Karen McCall, a pioneer in financial recovery, always said: “You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.” The problem isn’t the shopping, but the “hole in your soul” you’re trying to fill. I highly recommend attending DA (Debtors Anonymous) meetings, a 12 step program for over-spenders, chronic debtors, and underearners.

3. What is one of the most common money mistakes women make and how can I avoid it?
Without a doubt; it’s doing nothing because you’re afraid of making a mistake. My advice is to spend 3-6 months educating yourself. How?

  1. Every day read something about money, even if it’s just the headlines in the business section of the newspaper, even if it’s only for 1or 2 minutes.
  2. Every week, talk about money, particularly with someone who knows more than you. (taking a class counts too).
  3. Every month, save by having a small amount from your paycheck or checking account automatically deposited in a savings and/or retirement account.

I also encourage women to find a financial advisor they can trust, who will hold them accountable and keep them on track.

4. I’m always worrying about money. How can I calm my fears?

  1. Educate yourself. Knowledge is the best anecdote for fear. The goal is to make financial decisions from knowledge, not ignorance, emotion or habit. Doing the 3 steps I outlined above is an amazingly simple but effective way to conquer money fears.
  2. Join with others. We women are so relationship oriented, one of the best ways to learn is to get support by forming (or joining) a money book club, money study group, or investment club.
  3. Track your spending. Write down every penny you spend for at least a month, then transfer those amounts to spending categories. This exercise allows you to see how/where you can shave expenses, figure out a debt repayment plan, and increase savings.
  4. Create an emergency savings fund with at least 6 months worth of living expenses (a shoe sale is NOT an emergency!)

5. As a young career woman, what’s the single smartest thing I can do with my money now?
Automatic savings. Arrange to have the bank, every month, withdraw money from your checking account or paycheck and deposit it monthly into a personal savings account. Even small amounts ($10 or $20 a month) consistently saved accumulate quickly. It’s money you’d otherwise fritter away. And you don’t miss what you don’t see!! Do the same with your company’s retirement account.

6. My current salary is under 50K. How can I make more money?
If you love what you do, ask for a raise. If you get a ‘no’, ask your boss what you need to do for a pay increase. If you feel dead-ended, or dislike your current job, start looking for a better, higher paying one. Figure out what you’re passionate about and network like crazy. From my interviews with six- and seven-figure women, I discovered that four factors are essential for financial success and quality of life (both are important):

  1. Passion—loving what you do
  2. Audacity—doing what you fear
  3. Resilience—getting back up when you fall down
  4. Community—reaching out for support
 

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